The Surge Review

NO. NO. NO. No. No. no. no…

Oh look it’s Chad or Blake or whatever from The Surge. rrrrrrrRRRRRRAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

Who or what is The Surge…review

Full disclosure here – I didn’t complete The Surge. I got pretty far, but got stuck on a boss and nearly threw my fucking controller through the wall. Fuck this game.

Oh…err, OK.

But judging by the guide I had a look at, I was pretty near the end. Anyway, The Surge is a Dark Souls clone where you play a guy called Blake or Chad or something. You go around hitting zombified robot people and taking their limbs, so you can wear them and hit even more dead robot dudes.

Cool?

It can be, when the camera isn’t trying to flick you in the balls every chance it gets. This fucking game…

surge review
A good example of what it’s like to play this game. I don’t know what’s happening here, either

Sounds pretty weak. There a story or anything?

Some big event happens that kills everyone, and turns all the robots – and people in robot suits – mental. You wake up on a construction site on your first day on the job (what are the odds?!), and you have to…go and find some CEO’s or something? To fix it? It’s not a game that’ll be remembered for its story, that’s for sure.

Eh. Dark Souls games are built on gameplay and level design anyway, so how do these elements fare in The Surge?

Level design is pretty well done – you’re constantly opening up shortcuts back to the main hub of each level, where you can level up and upgrade your robot chassis and weapons… just like Dark Souls.

But every level is bland as hell. There’s a construction yard, a sewer bit (of course there’s a fucking sewer bit), some R&D labs, an office bit, and a security bit. The problem is they’re all lifeless, and look like they were built with the disassembled pieces of Optimus Prime and Ultra Magnus.

Gameplay is also – shocker – like Dark Souls, albeit slower and sloppier. You block or dodge incoming attacks, and use a variety of different weapons to strike enemies when their guard is down. There’s a stamina metre that forces you to not just mash attack and dodge, alongside a relatively cool mechanic that lets you target specific body parts of an enemy. Like the look of the electro-axe your enemy is wielding? Aim to cut off their fighting arm, and hope that they drop it!

And like Dark Souls, if you die, you drop all your ‘souls’ – or in this case salvage – and then you have to go and fetch it to get it back. But if you die, it’s lost forever. And in The Surge, you only have 2 minutes to get it, which can force you to run through an entire level just to fetch it! Doesn’t that sound fun!

This is Dark Souls. Buy this instead

That sounds terrible

Yes it does, and yes it is. If you’re gonna borrow so heavily from a game that demands patience, don’t force players to throw caution to the wind! Especially when the camera does its best to hamper your view in one of them many tight spaces you’re forced down. Seriously, fuck the camera in the game.

I shouldn’t buy this game, should I?

Don’t you fucking dare. This. Fucking. Game.

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